Forget the roses,
perfumes and lingerie. For some, nothing is as exhausting as Valentine’s
Day, no not in the sexual sense of it. Mental fatigue, burning up road
miles, dejection and the fear of getting caught is the brunt some lovers
have to bear. Be it side chicks, stone-faced mistresses, gigolos or
long-suffering wives, the trauma is real, writes Omolola Itayemi
Mrs. Funmi Ali (not
real name) has spent every February 14th having lunch with her husband,
Seyi. After lunch, she hangs around the office with him or follows him
to Ikoyi Club for his game of golf. This ritual might sound strange to
some but not to Funmi who will not have it any other way on Valentine’s
Day after slugging it out with Mabel, one of her husband’s chicks on the
side six years ago at a fancy restaurant in Lagos.
Seyi knows the drill but it serves as
little or no deterrent because he spent time having breakfast on a boat
cruise with Aaliyah, his latest mistress. With this arrangement, Mr. Ali
believes everybody is happy but at whose expense?
Mrs. Ali knows her husband is guilty of various affairs and has caught him in flagrante delicto
many times. She has cried her eyes out, begged, prayed and fasted for
him to change, all to no avail, so she has taken the bull by the horn
and become more assertive, demanding that what is due to her must be
given to her. One of such is the Valentine’s Day shenanigan she gets up
to.
Mr. Ali is part of the increasing number
of married men with girlfriends or side chicks, as they are called, who
have to juggle two or more women on Valentine’s Day as everyone demands
time, affection and presents, even when they know that the day is more
of a commercial venture than romantic one.
Mistress’ Day
The scenario might strike you as odd but
that’s what is buzzing on the streets. For those ahead of the game,
some husbands celebrate Valentine’s Day one night early and not with
their wives.
It doesn’t appear on the traditional
calendar, but the 13th of February has been branded ‘Mistress’ Day’ for
unfaithful Nigerian men and their partners in crime, leaving Valentine’s
Day free for a date with their long-suffering wives.
Take notice if your husband is missing
for several hours on February 13th. Be wary if he invents excuses to
come home late, or to run an errand later on Valentine’s night. These
could be additional telltale signs but do the husbands ever learn.
The women are usually the ones who bear
the brunt emotionally and sometimes physically when it results in
brawls. Unhappy girlfriends, side chicks and mistresses who are unhappy
when ignored and wives who find out about such liaisons,
Blanket Ban
If you think Mr. Ali’s Valentine’s Day
ritual is strange, then Clemas Okeke, an entrepreneur, married with
three children will freak you out. He avoids the office on that day.
Only very serious appointments are attended to. He is at home all day
and only serious telephone calls are entertained, no calls from
girlfriends and mistresses and unknown numbers. Clemas, fondly called,
‘guy man’ by his friends would rather not rock the boat, as that day has
been declared strictly for his wife, Ogechi.
“On Valentine’s Day, all sins are forgiven and the slate is wiped clean, so I will rather be with madam,” says Okeke.
The Multitasker
Woody Allen once quipped, “Sex without
love is a meaningless affair. But as far as meaningless affairs go, it’s
pretty damn good.” Meet Zikora, a 39-year-old sales manager with one
of the telecoms companies for whom the abrupt end to a nine-year-old
relationship meant that such meaningless affairs were damn good indeed.
Well until, he got married two years ago, but those meaningless affairs
didn’t stop.
Smarting from last year’s near fiasco on
Valentine’s Day, Zikora has perfected other plans. On Valentine’s Day,
he goes to work with his main babe, she’s lodged in a hotel near his
office and will sneak in for some fun time during office hours. After
work, he drives down to the hostel near the University of Lagos to spend
time with his smallie (undergraduate girlfriend), armed with gifts and
take-away food for her.
He doesn’t eat much as madam has dinner
waiting at home. An almost exhausted Zikora eventually gets home late
with the excuse of late work and traffic snarls to enjoy the day with
madam.
Equal Partners in the Game
Women are not slacking in the
multitasking department either, and are getting bolder by the day. With
the various office affairs going on in corporate Nigeria, Valentine’s
Day will definitely be affected. Take Margaret, 35, banker, married with
two boys, who has several extramarital affairs. Constantly complaining
of a boring sexual life at home, Margaret is always on the look out for
the next steamy sexual encounter and Valentine’s Day is no exception.
Margaret brings home the bacon and
believes she deserves whatever fun she can get outside. She spends time
with her boyfriend in the office during the day and retires to her
boring husband at night.
Kemi Ashefon, founder of Kemi Ashefon
Love Haven Blogspot and a relationship expert is of the opinion that the
illicit liaisons are not right and too much emotion and energy are
wasted on a day that should offer so much love and intimacy.
That being said, she advises, “If you
want to split your time between multiple partners, then you’re going to
have to take the reins firmly when planning the day for both of them.”
“Start the day off with having brunch
with your significant other and enjoying a cocktail with number two
later that night. Make sure to leave yourself plenty of time between
dates, though, so you can regenerate for your second one,” she warns.
Ashefon also recommends not squeezing in
a third side kick, as you’d be so exhausted and stressed that you
wouldn’t enjoy any of them.
And another one: don’t get them all the
same thing. Seriously, just don’t! “While it may be easier to shop for
one gift for all and resort to mass merchandising,” points out Ashefon,
“the downside, however, is the off chance of them finding out and
feeling like they just got a mass blast love letter is higher than if
you got four special things for each person.”
It all sounds exhausting doesn’t it?
Truth be told is for anyone to truly enjoy St. Valentine’s Day, fidelity
to one partner is the surest way of showing love, appreciation and
respect for one’s partner. Valentine’s Day is only one of 365 days in a
year, so the best advise to those with significant others is to make the
most of this special day by making it memorable.
Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone!
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