The place of in-laws in a marriage, especially in the African
setting, cannot be underplayed or overemphasised. In-laws are deemed as
being an integral part of every new family formed.
In-laws are the persons someone becomes related to because of
marriage; especially the father, mother or siblings of the husband or
wife one is married to.
A sociologist, Dr. Franca Attoh, said it is important for persons
planning to marry to know that in the African setting, families, and not
just individuals, get married. Thus, the family members (in-laws) would
always want to be a part of what goes on in the home.
“The European’s concept of family, which is purely nuclear,
comprising a man, his wife and their children, cannot work in Africa,
because that is the nature of our society,” she added.
In some instances, this new alliance, brought about by marriage,
makes the union of some couples very colourful and exciting, given their
cooperation, understanding, assistance and willingness to let the
couple make their choices and do things their own way, perhaps with
subtle and controlled guidance.
But, in some instances, some in-laws can be overbearing,
possessive, authoritative and excessively nosy, usually with the motive
of protecting the interest and well-being of their relative in the
marriage. In such instances, the matrimonial home could become
matrimonial hell for the partner on the receiving side of the
overbearing attitude of the in-law(s).
This explains why marriage counsellors and psychologists advise
in-laws, especially parents, to respect the independence and privacy of
their children so as not to frustrate the happiness of the couple.
But, given that some in-laws remain domineering and somewhat
difficult, which poses a huge discomfort in their relative’s matrimonial
home; here are tips on how people could manage such a situation:
Maintain good relationship with them: This is
perhaps the best way to cope with in-laws that are seemingly difficult
to live with. However, owing to frustration or excessive interference,
it is not uncommon to hear some women wish that they would be happier if
they didn’t have mother-in-law.
But, according to a psychologist, Dr. Eze John Eze, couples should
always remember that they can’t live in isolation inasmuch as their
spouse didn’t drop from the sky. Thus, he advised that people should
maintain good relationship with their in-laws, as it is an easier way to
be at peace with them. He said, “As human beings, we can’t do without
relationships, and so people should learn to build a good relationship
with their in-laws.”
Let your partner know when you’re in discomfort: According
to Eze, there are times people have difficulties in coping with their
in-laws and they naturally assume that their partner must be aware. But,
in such cases, he said people should voice out to their partner and not
assume that the partner is aware and is deliberately shying away from
addressing it. He said, “When you are not comfortable with what your
in-laws are doing, you should mention it to your partner and not assume
that he or she knows. Be gentle in your approach so it doesn’t seem like
you don’t like his or her family members. But don’t confront those
family members on your own. Always go through the spouse,
constructively.” When asked what to do if the partner is not assertive
enough to confront the family members, he said people could consult a
counsellor. “I once handled such a case and we had to invite the
husband,” he added. Also, Attoh said if the husband’s family is
overbearing, the wife should talk to him and he would find a way of
dealing with the situation. She added, “But if he fights them, it would
only escalate the issues and that is when they would start to think he
had been bewitched. So, he needs to be subtle, vice versa. The person on
the side from which the tension and conflicts are coming from should
find a way to resolve the issues to avoid undue conflict.”
Advise your spouse on what to expect: For people
who have difficulty in confronting their family members with their
partner’s complaints, experts say such persons could also advise their
spouse on how to avoid issues with such family members. For example, if
as a man you know that your mother is stubborn and won’t let issues
pass, you can advise your wife to minimise exposure to her or avoid
dragging things with her, to reduce confrontations or conflict. Or if
you have a brother who steals and you can’t send him away for some
reasons, tell your partner to keep their things safe.
Set boundaries from the outset: One other way
couples can avoid troubles with their in-laws is for them to let their
in-laws know what they would not tolerate as a couple, and this should
be agreed upon by the couple. For example, a couple can agree that
in-laws are not allowed into their bedroom; that no one is allowed to
come and stay without both of them agreeing to it; that abusive words or
disrespect should never be condoned and that there could only be one
guest at a time, etc. Findings show that married persons sometimes have
conflict with their in-laws when they suddenly change their disposition
to issues that were previously not matters of concern.
When in-laws come and don’t want to go back: This
is one of the issues that often cause issues between couples and
in-laws. Attoh said such in-laws might not want to go back because where
they are is more comfortable than where they came from, thus the couple
might need to intervene. She stated, “The couple could make a bit of
sacrifice by making, say the parents’ place, more comfortable so they
could go back. If against your wish, they want to bring in relatives for
schooling, reach a compromise that you would be sending them money for
the person’s fees. But, most times, those things don’t last forever;
there would be a time they would leave.”
Be calm with meddlesome parents: There are
instances where some mothers-in-law insist on cooking for their
children, which could unsettle a wife. But, according to Attoh, the wife
should try and let them be. She said, “I tell you that a wise wife
would allow her and the moment the mother sees that you are not
contending with her, she would let down her guard. Asked if it won’t get
worse, she said, “From experience, I can tell you it won’t.”
If your mother-in-law comes into the house and wants to take over the
kitchen, all well and good; allow her and you would have time for other
things. In no time, she would get tired. If you want to contend with
her, that is when she would come up with different antics. If she wants
to have a conversation with her son, leave them. Same way some
mothers-in-law want to sit in front of the car, why not just go to the
back and sit. You would get to your destination at the same time. It
takes a bit of maturity and you need a large heart. Else, there would be
contestation and there would be conflict.
Your partner has a role to play: In checking the
excesses of overbearing or troublesome in-laws, a psychologist, Prof.
Oni Fagboungbe, said the understanding between the husband and wife is
important, noting that there tends to be clash between tradition and
reality. “If as a wife or husband you have won the heart of your
spouse, he or she would work with you if in-laws want to be troublesome.
But you see instances where the spouse would even connive with their
family members than their partner, which would only aggravate the
conflict.”
Given that the issues often stem from the husband’s angle,
Fagboungbe stressed that husbands should learn to be in charge so their
homes do not become war zone. He said, “Even though the issue could
come from either side, men are supposed to be at the forefront of
ensuring peace. He should put his people where they rightly belong and
let his wife be in a position where she would be respected, and if from
the other side, he should find ways to maintain peace and avoid
unnecessary interference.”
He also advised that it is better for people to put aside the fears
attached to preparing a will and prepare one so that things would be
under control if death comes.
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