Letter To My Mental Illness: Dear Bipolar, Anxiety, OCD, Depression

Dear Bipolar, Anxiety, OCD, Depression,

As a child, I used to think I was a superhero, having all these abilities no one else could boast of.

I mean, I could have conversations with myself and 99 others, create a whole new world, have magical moments, live in a song or a movie scene; I loved that I could stay clean, keep things aligned, took precautions, get angry and maturely forget what I was angry about and move on, I mean that ought to make me responsible right?

But you got worse, taking control of me, taking me hostage, you all cost me a lot. You cost me my friendships, happiness, and now love. Thanks to you I could not blend in. Thanks to you I lost opportunities to show all the things my mirror was tired of.

You got worse and I lost everything. You isolate me, you made yourself my only companion telling me I am much better with you than I’d ever been with anyone else. Told me the only way to stay safe is to stay away before I make choices I can’t take back. You grew stronger over the years making you hard to resist. 

But I am tired. I am tired of shutting people out, tired of letting everyone be so envious of my supposed carefree attitude. If only they knew just how close to freedom I was getting each day. 

You made me comfortable in misery. You sure did have a ball with my life.

Weird was a term used to describe me, and I was happy with it, I mean Einstein is weird. Then I grew to hate it. 

But now I want to re-define that. I want to be weird – weird enough to relate, weird enough to share my jokes, weird enough to be loved.

I thank you. you thought you could destroy me but you gave me strength.

You made me realise how vulnerable I could be and how that wasn’t a weakness. I learned to love first by learning to fear. And then to hate and then to heal and then I found redemption. In all these steps I found love. In all these steps I found me. 

I want to find freedom, not the kind that ends it all, but the one that begins again. 

I now know it’s okay to fail, it’s okay to not be where I want to be. There is a lot to live for. Things to be done, places to see.

Farewell, four horsemen, I have found purpose, or maybe not, but I am confident I shall!